2020 was… a lot. Between the pandemic hitting, the movement for social justice (which has been going on for years but highlighted through today’s connectivity & social media), and the electoral year – I found myself in a constant state of anxiety. 

I realized how much I am impacted by everything going on around me. The energies of people I love, the negativity of the news, the heartbreak of strangers I’ve never met. 

My anxiety, which I’ve been managing for years, came back with a vengeance. From the moment I woke up, unless I was working out or asleep, I was in a constant state of high anxiety, feeling on the edge of a panic attack. I tried my hardest to fight the anxiety with the tools I had in my kit. But it kept persisting. 

I was exhausted but my heart was racing. I felt like I needed a coffee but knew that any caffeine would sent my heart into overdrive in a snap. I kept myself busy through the workday with my head down on my keyboard while emailing, and my face up with a smile during Zoom calls – still feeling as if something could go wrong at any second. 

At the end of the day, I’d cook dinner, and sit down to relax & watch a show – but my anxiety was telling me I didn’t deserve to sit down when I could be doing something productive. Work. Cleaning the house. Writing for my blog. Organizing my life. 

I was working out in the morning and meditating before bed. But those hours and minutes in between, I was a wreck. I’d be on the couch “relaxing” and my thoughts would spiral into a panic attack. Although the weather was beautiful and friends were socially distancing for outside gatherings, I couldn’t leave the house for fear of having a panic attack. (Talk about a buzzkill during summer!)

As someone who thrives on being there for others, it made my anxiety even worse having to cancel and/or not make plans. I missed having that connection and it added to my lifelong goal of working through feeling like a bad [partner, friend, daughter, sister – fill in the blank here].

I knew enough was enough. This was no way to live and I was tired of feeling that constant state of panic – light-headed, heart-racing, nausea, tight chest, inability to take full breaths, tunnel vision, & constantly clenching my jaw with my shoulders up to my ears.

With a sneaking inclination that I may need to go on medication, I set up a virtual appointment with my therapist. I let her know what I was experiencing and what I was doing to manage it – working out, meditation, journaling, eating well, & getting enough sleep.

My therapist, knowing me as well as she does after all of these years, without recommending medication, asked me, “what are your hesitations about prescribed medication?”

I forced myself to be honest without holding back.

“I feel like a failure for not being able to manage my anxiety without it.”

I’ve worked so hard on managing my anxiety for years naturally. I meditate. Work-out. I go to therapy regularly. Eat well. Say no when I need to. Go on walks and ask my spirit guides for guidance. Avoid caffeine. 

I feel like I’m missing something that I should be doing.

But, I also can’t continue living this way. I’m at the point where I feel like throwing my hands in the air and doing whatever I can to help.”

She reminded me that I was doing all of the right things, and that if I wasn’t doing those things, she would certainly recommend them; and she reminded me of how much was going on in the world that was out of my control. 

We’re constantly told to find inner peace through disconnecting with everything that is outside of us - but being someone who throws her heart into everything she does – being an empath and feeling deeply makes me part of who I am. It doesn’t come naturally to me to simply disconnect with everything outside of my control - and frankly -  my sensitivity & empathy are what allow me to hold a safe space for others, which is a trait I hold with high regards.

I realized (as I mentioned on the More in Common Podcast about medication years ago) – that I was drowning and I needed a life raft before I could keep swimming. I needed medication to stop the spiraling anxiety & panic about experiencing anxiety & panic. 

I swallowed my pride (as I find myself doing quite often) and started medication (Zoloft daily and Xanax as needed) in late August 2020 so I could remember what it felt like to live without being in a constant state of panic. I started medication so I could calm my nervous system enough to be able to continue working through my anxiety with therapy, movement, & meditation. I continued working with my doctor over the next few months to find a dosage that worked for me. 

And when the clock struck midnight on 1/1/2021 – my anxiety magically disappeared forever! 

Just kidding. Because anxiety doesn’t work that way and I’m not a pumpkin. 😉

And also – because the worlds’ problems didn’t magically erase just because it’s a new year. 

BUT – I’m at a point where I’m not feeling constant panic and I use the anxiety I do experience as an opportunity to tap into what I need (which is usually rest, a break from the news, a meditation, or a walk). 

Recognizing that you need (and asking for) help takes strength. It takes the strength of going beyond our egos (which, let me tell you as a stubborn Capricorn & middle child, is not always easy), realizing that some things are out of our control, and ultimately knowing that we each deserve to be the best version of ourselves. 

I highly recommend starting with finding a therapist, and Psychology Today is a resource I trust and highly recommend that lets you filter by insurance type, gender preference, language, specific concerns, & more. 

If you’re feeling residual anxiety from 2020 and overwhelm coming into 2021, there’s no better time to take care of you than now.